Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November Satire! Satire! Remember, Remember the Fifth of November

Deep breaths, everyone. Pour yourself something strong. It’s happened. The first day of ArtPrize is officially upon us, which means for the next few weeks, navigating downtown will require the strategic genius of a four-star general and the patience of a saint who’s been on hold with customer service for three hours.

The first day is always the most insufferable. It’s all fresh-faced optimism and people earnestly trying to “engage with the pieces.” There’s an almost electric buzz in the air, which we all know is just the collective groan of everyone trying to find a parking spot that doesn’t cost more than the art itself. People are actually reading the little placards next to the art, pretending they feel something profound while staring at a sculpture made of discarded spatulas.

Give it a week.

That optimism will curdle into the grim, foot-sore resignation of a forced march through a museum where everything is for sale and half of it looks like it was made by a toddler with access to a glue gun.

So I’ll raise my glass in a toast of pure, unadulterated annoyance. Cheers to the traffic. Cheers to the crowds. And cheers to the inevitable moment when you’ll ask yourself, “Wait, is this art, or just some scaffolding they forgot to take down?”

Welcome to ArtPrize. I’m already over it.

35

Let’s address the elephant in the room, or rather, the...

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